The Toxic Effect of Resentment [Part 1]

PART ONE

I begin this post with the conviction that resentment [‘bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly’] is one of the most damaging mental mindsets that we can experience. Few things if any, are more powerful and effective in poisoning our lives than is resentment. The mental journey ending in resentment can be a short or long one, temporary or [nearly] permanent.

It typically begins with an unfulfilled expectation, resulting in disappointment, sometimes sparking a small but growing and smoldering fire of resentment.  Sometimes the unfulfilled expectation can result from receiving mistreatment, physical or emotional, real, or perceived.  The result is the same. A ‘justified’ offense is planted in our mind/heart, now free to begin the slow, other times rapid, toxic invasion of our life, eliminating joy and souring our spirit.  Such a mindset poisons our relations with others-our spouse, children, colleagues, neighbors, even our view and relationship with God. Resentment makes forgiveness of others impossible. Forgiveness is a ‘high value’ character target for a bondservant of Christ. Thus, seeking to discover and eliminate the hindrances to forgiveness and the resentment empowering it is a wise and even necessary journey for a serious Christ follower. Somewhere I have heard or read of our need to ‘forgive God’ for what we might perceive as His offense toward us, e.g. His apparent failure to answer our sincere prayers.  I suggest this is misguided thinking.  If God is perfectly good, holy, and wise it is impossible for Him to blunder in His dealings with us.  What needs correction is our failure to recognize our resentment and then deal with it.  So why do we become resentful of others, even God?

We experience or observe in others, some kind of perceived mistreatment including neglect or indifference.  A neglected or mistreated child can grow up having strong resentments toward his/her parent[s], and/or other ‘authority figures’, or even toward siblings who bullied that child.  Resentments sometimes erupt into volcanic, angry, and injurious behaviors, even self-injuries as well as harm to others, though sometimes the latter can be a slow burning pre-meditated desire to injure someone, even unknown people.

THE RESENTMENT GAP-WHAT WE EXPECT VS WHAT WE GET

The gap between what we expect of others in their treatment of us and what really happens [‘reality’-.i.e. ‘what we get’] is what I call the ‘expectation gap’. The greater the gap, i.e. the greater the distance between what we expected to happen, or how we expected to be treated vs. what really happened, triggers the degree of our resentment.

RESENTMENT TOWARD GOD

I have come to believe that resentment toward God, is also one of the most damaging and toxic attitudes injuring our soul.  For one thing, we find it difficult to resolve since we do not know how to effectively address the issues with God, so we ‘avoid Him’ and withdraw from prayer, scripture study, or fellowship with other Christ followers i.e. we avoid contact with someone [and in the case of God, His followers] who is perceived by us as offending us in some form or manner. Sometimes that offense is based upon some perceived neglect by God.  He didn’t spare or protect us or our loved one from death, or disability from disease, chromosomal abnormality, a drunk driver, accident, unanswered prayer, or war-caused suffering. Our prayers seem useless and rise no higher than the ceiling of our room. We begin to wonder is God really there, and if so, is He ‘good’, or is He really just uninvolved and disinterested in the affairs of human kind. How can He be ‘good’ and ‘just’ to allow such evil and suffering in this world with no apparent purpose? Unresolved questions like these can take the wind out of our sails, leaving us drifting aimlessly, increasing the likelihood of developing a more-or-less permanent resentment toward God and nurturing cynicism toward life and all things ‘spiritual’. This resentment mindset can become incredibly serious, and without some resolution, it can significantly if not totally sabotage our faith. Scholars, sages, and biblical characters [e.g. Job] have wrestled with these kinds of issues for millennia. I am not attempting to offer the last word on this dramatic question.

In one sense, the ‘simplest’ response to the question of God’s apparent absence and ‘failure to take better care of us’ is to conclude that He is not actually present [a-theism], and thus His non-presence explains why the world functions in a rather chaotic, morally nonsensical, ‘unjust’ way. And, there certainly is no need to be resentful against a non-existent being!  Atheism is a bit much for most people who observe life and the universe, believing thereby that ‘surely, some creator brought all this about.’  Some find ‘comfort’ in some form of deism-God exists but is uninvolved in the affairs of earth and its occupants.  Both atheism and deism are somewhat ‘convenient’ to the holders of those positions due to them believing there are no ‘heavenly’ restraints on their behavior, no ‘you should’ coming from on high.  But in fairness to those who hold to those non-theistic positions, some do so with regret, wishing the truth were otherwise.  Evangelicals are sometimes accused of hiding behind the ‘mystery’ of life with God. But, being fair, the opposing side [atheism/deism] can offer nothing about the origin of the material universe other than ‘it is just there and has always been there in one form or another.’ Mystery has always been a perplexing but driving force for much scientific investigation over the centuries, much of it [but not all] having a beneficial effect for humankind. But it is the rigid hubris of humankind that thinks one must understand everything and that nothing is, or should be, forever hidden from us.  On the contrary, the apostle Paul says of God: “Oh the depths of the riches, both, of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor? Or who has first given to Him, that it might be paid back again? For from Him, through Him, and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen!” [Rom 11:32-36]. 

Mary and Martha, sisters to their beloved brother Lazarus, were resentful toward Jesus when he was notified that Lazarus was deathly ill but ‘failed’ [in their eyes] to come and heal him before he died [John 11:1-44]. Obviously, their resentment changed to great joy when they saw their brother raised from the dead.  We may not ‘see’ in this earthly life the positive response of God to our heart felt angst over the trials and troubles we or our friends and loved ones’ experience.  Paul says the struggles and sufferings of this present life [mental as well as physical suffering] cannot be compared with the ‘glory that will be revealed to us’ [Rom 8:18]. 

I suggest that, unless we subjugate our presumptive I-know-better-than-God mindset, to the far more humble-there is mystery in life, we will not be able to get past our grudging resentment toward God.  We also need to remind ourselves that He is not manipulated by or fearful of our anger/resentment toward Him, but I am confident that He does desire for us to release it, and find peace in knowing there is a certain mystery to life with God, and He knows exactly what He is doing, the very message He left with Job, and what He is doing is for our good, our welfare [Romans 8:28]

Are you carrying any resentments toward God that wisdom would humbly suggest you drop in the dumpster?

CJS